For Aidan

I wrote this for my son almost 7 years ago and just stumbled across it.

I'm looking at your tiny, nine month old body. You're legs tucked under your belly , butt in the air and your arm draped over that bright orange teddy bear. Do you still talk to God?  Could you put in a good word...?
I worry myself sometimes (who am I kidding, ALL the time).  Did I kiss you enough today? Did I miss out on an important part of your infant-hood? Will you remember how much of your day I am gone?  But you lay silent except for that almost raspberry sound you make through your pouted lips as you breath (which is inherited you know).

Most days I still feel like I'm 17. I'm still clumsy and akward and scared of my own shadow. But now, I'm responsible for you.  And it's for that reason, that I've created this new version of myself.  It's the part of me that gets up every morning, knowing that it may be a struggle to get through the day with my sanity intact.  I try to remember your appointments and to make sure your teeth get brushed and your socks match and there's nothing stuck to your face, though heaven knows if I'll find a moment to do the same for myself.  And I do it all because of the sight of your smile (so big for such a tiny man), and your laugh (that tames my wanderers soul).  I do it for myself.  So that you will know how much I love you and that I've changed the course of my life and fought my nature for the sake of you.

You plucked away at my heartstrings today, little man.  I held you in my arms and we made animal noises.  Then you looked into my eyes with that big toothy grin and shouted "MAMAMA!" Immediately followed by "DADADAAA!".  How is it you could know at such a young age that the two names were meant to go together? And how can I ever explain to you that, for this family, they do not?  I guess that all I can say is...that not every two people fit.  I just wish, that for your sake, I had figured it out a little earlier on.  I wish that I could give you a Daddy.  One that can teach you all the ways to grow to become the right kind of man...and I still have time.  But until then, you have your Papa, and he will show you all the things you need to know.

When you were my tiny newborn man, you used to look up at me like I had all the answers.  And I think I looked at you in the same way.  I imagined that in the secret of my womb, you pondered the riddles that my heart whispered to you, and when you learned to speak, you could fill me in.  I, on the other hand, never did have any answers.  I won't lie to you, little Man, I'm winging it.  Every now and then I get some good advice or I find some time to read a bood that directs my steps.  But every day, you teach me how to be your mother, and show me what you need from me.

I heard someone once say that pre-infant angels look down on us to pick their parents.  Did you know how much I needed you to direct the course of my life?  To make me want to be that better version of myself I've never before had the courage to set free?  I know I needed all the things in my life that you represent.  Your unconditional love makes me brave where I would otherwise falter.

One night, when you had been in my belly for about 9 months, I had a dream.  The colors of my dream were so vivid, the dream felt so real.  I was asleep on the couch, and I heard a voice in my head the echoed and reverberated, both forceful...and gentle. In my dream, I knew it to be God.  "Don't worry," the voice soothed. "I have a purpose for you, and it is greater than any purpose you could imagine for yourself."  suddenly, I was bestowed with a pair of great white wings, and the voice spoke again. "Come, and I will show you."  I flew to the ceiling, akward but steady on my angel wings, and down the hallway to a bedroom that I knew was empty. But inside, was a nursery, and in the crib, a sleeping child with blonde hair and blue eyes. At peace with the world.
"Take care of this child," The voice directed me. "And the child will take care of you." 
I awoke with a sense of confidence in what I had dreamt. After all of my searching, my purpose had been revealed.
It was you.

I remember this dream mostly when the anger  or the "why me's" come over me like a cloud.  When the days are too short, the nights are too long and I wonder if there is any trace at all of the girl I used to be, left inside me.  And suddenly, it all falls away the second I look down into the crib of the child from my dream.  I know that you deserve a mother that is warm and accessible.  One who has been to the dark place and back and can show you the way home if you over lose your way.  I may not be the person I once was, but now, I'm so much more. I'm your mother. And I'll always be greatful that you picked me.