It was folly and it was new,
I opened my car door to you
and as I drove we laughed and both separately hoped
the night didn't lead to regret.
The word of a friend
was all I had to go on
but I never got that feeling in my gut
the one that has always been dead on
when a man who could hurt me
came into my view
I led you up the stairs,
and I listened to you.
Sometimes you struggled for words but felt you always spoke true.
I led you to my room
and your hands told me even more about what kind of man there was in you.
And the night led to anywhere but regret.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Found trouble at home
so I looked to the road
for another place to be
but trouble found me
found love in a man
but found that love doesn't stand
all on its own
placed heart in his hands
but found it's way back to me
why didn't I see?
the trouble with love
is the hart doesn't always
want what it needs
and the trouble with me
is I keep thinking
it should be easy
so I looked to the road
for another place to be
but trouble found me
found love in a man
but found that love doesn't stand
all on its own
placed heart in his hands
but found it's way back to me
why didn't I see?
the trouble with love
is the hart doesn't always
want what it needs
and the trouble with me
is I keep thinking
it should be easy
It was no great secret to the rest of the world,
and maybe not even to me
the love of a man don't leave you the same,
but love of a man wouldn't leave me
It's hard to find home if you don't see where you've been
but I wasn't looking for home, or at the scenery
And the more I was shown, the less I could see
the more I was loved, the less I could breathe
Then he was gone, and yeah, maybe I cried
but in the light I could see
the love of a man cold bring tears to my eyes
but losing a man wouldn't break me
and it was no secret to the rest of the world
and really not even to me
the love of a man don't leave you the same,
because loving a man isn't easy
and maybe not even to me
the love of a man don't leave you the same,
but love of a man wouldn't leave me
It's hard to find home if you don't see where you've been
but I wasn't looking for home, or at the scenery
And the more I was shown, the less I could see
the more I was loved, the less I could breathe
Then he was gone, and yeah, maybe I cried
but in the light I could see
the love of a man cold bring tears to my eyes
but losing a man wouldn't break me
and it was no secret to the rest of the world
and really not even to me
the love of a man don't leave you the same,
because loving a man isn't easy
For Aidan
I wrote this for my son almost 7 years ago and just stumbled across it.
I'm looking at your tiny, nine month old body. You're legs tucked under your belly , butt in the air and your arm draped over that bright orange teddy bear. Do you still talk to God? Could you put in a good word...?
I worry myself sometimes (who am I kidding, ALL the time). Did I kiss you enough today? Did I miss out on an important part of your infant-hood? Will you remember how much of your day I am gone? But you lay silent except for that almost raspberry sound you make through your pouted lips as you breath (which is inherited you know).
Most days I still feel like I'm 17. I'm still clumsy and akward and scared of my own shadow. But now, I'm responsible for you. And it's for that reason, that I've created this new version of myself. It's the part of me that gets up every morning, knowing that it may be a struggle to get through the day with my sanity intact. I try to remember your appointments and to make sure your teeth get brushed and your socks match and there's nothing stuck to your face, though heaven knows if I'll find a moment to do the same for myself. And I do it all because of the sight of your smile (so big for such a tiny man), and your laugh (that tames my wanderers soul). I do it for myself. So that you will know how much I love you and that I've changed the course of my life and fought my nature for the sake of you.
You plucked away at my heartstrings today, little man. I held you in my arms and we made animal noises. Then you looked into my eyes with that big toothy grin and shouted "MAMAMA!" Immediately followed by "DADADAAA!". How is it you could know at such a young age that the two names were meant to go together? And how can I ever explain to you that, for this family, they do not? I guess that all I can say is...that not every two people fit. I just wish, that for your sake, I had figured it out a little earlier on. I wish that I could give you a Daddy. One that can teach you all the ways to grow to become the right kind of man...and I still have time. But until then, you have your Papa, and he will show you all the things you need to know.
When you were my tiny newborn man, you used to look up at me like I had all the answers. And I think I looked at you in the same way. I imagined that in the secret of my womb, you pondered the riddles that my heart whispered to you, and when you learned to speak, you could fill me in. I, on the other hand, never did have any answers. I won't lie to you, little Man, I'm winging it. Every now and then I get some good advice or I find some time to read a bood that directs my steps. But every day, you teach me how to be your mother, and show me what you need from me.
I heard someone once say that pre-infant angels look down on us to pick their parents. Did you know how much I needed you to direct the course of my life? To make me want to be that better version of myself I've never before had the courage to set free? I know I needed all the things in my life that you represent. Your unconditional love makes me brave where I would otherwise falter.
One night, when you had been in my belly for about 9 months, I had a dream. The colors of my dream were so vivid, the dream felt so real. I was asleep on the couch, and I heard a voice in my head the echoed and reverberated, both forceful...and gentle. In my dream, I knew it to be God. "Don't worry," the voice soothed. "I have a purpose for you, and it is greater than any purpose you could imagine for yourself." suddenly, I was bestowed with a pair of great white wings, and the voice spoke again. "Come, and I will show you." I flew to the ceiling, akward but steady on my angel wings, and down the hallway to a bedroom that I knew was empty. But inside, was a nursery, and in the crib, a sleeping child with blonde hair and blue eyes. At peace with the world.
"Take care of this child," The voice directed me. "And the child will take care of you."
I awoke with a sense of confidence in what I had dreamt. After all of my searching, my purpose had been revealed.
It was you.
I remember this dream mostly when the anger or the "why me's" come over me like a cloud. When the days are too short, the nights are too long and I wonder if there is any trace at all of the girl I used to be, left inside me. And suddenly, it all falls away the second I look down into the crib of the child from my dream. I know that you deserve a mother that is warm and accessible. One who has been to the dark place and back and can show you the way home if you over lose your way. I may not be the person I once was, but now, I'm so much more. I'm your mother. And I'll always be greatful that you picked me.
I'm looking at your tiny, nine month old body. You're legs tucked under your belly , butt in the air and your arm draped over that bright orange teddy bear. Do you still talk to God? Could you put in a good word...?
I worry myself sometimes (who am I kidding, ALL the time). Did I kiss you enough today? Did I miss out on an important part of your infant-hood? Will you remember how much of your day I am gone? But you lay silent except for that almost raspberry sound you make through your pouted lips as you breath (which is inherited you know).
Most days I still feel like I'm 17. I'm still clumsy and akward and scared of my own shadow. But now, I'm responsible for you. And it's for that reason, that I've created this new version of myself. It's the part of me that gets up every morning, knowing that it may be a struggle to get through the day with my sanity intact. I try to remember your appointments and to make sure your teeth get brushed and your socks match and there's nothing stuck to your face, though heaven knows if I'll find a moment to do the same for myself. And I do it all because of the sight of your smile (so big for such a tiny man), and your laugh (that tames my wanderers soul). I do it for myself. So that you will know how much I love you and that I've changed the course of my life and fought my nature for the sake of you.
You plucked away at my heartstrings today, little man. I held you in my arms and we made animal noises. Then you looked into my eyes with that big toothy grin and shouted "MAMAMA!" Immediately followed by "DADADAAA!". How is it you could know at such a young age that the two names were meant to go together? And how can I ever explain to you that, for this family, they do not? I guess that all I can say is...that not every two people fit. I just wish, that for your sake, I had figured it out a little earlier on. I wish that I could give you a Daddy. One that can teach you all the ways to grow to become the right kind of man...and I still have time. But until then, you have your Papa, and he will show you all the things you need to know.
When you were my tiny newborn man, you used to look up at me like I had all the answers. And I think I looked at you in the same way. I imagined that in the secret of my womb, you pondered the riddles that my heart whispered to you, and when you learned to speak, you could fill me in. I, on the other hand, never did have any answers. I won't lie to you, little Man, I'm winging it. Every now and then I get some good advice or I find some time to read a bood that directs my steps. But every day, you teach me how to be your mother, and show me what you need from me.
I heard someone once say that pre-infant angels look down on us to pick their parents. Did you know how much I needed you to direct the course of my life? To make me want to be that better version of myself I've never before had the courage to set free? I know I needed all the things in my life that you represent. Your unconditional love makes me brave where I would otherwise falter.
One night, when you had been in my belly for about 9 months, I had a dream. The colors of my dream were so vivid, the dream felt so real. I was asleep on the couch, and I heard a voice in my head the echoed and reverberated, both forceful...and gentle. In my dream, I knew it to be God. "Don't worry," the voice soothed. "I have a purpose for you, and it is greater than any purpose you could imagine for yourself." suddenly, I was bestowed with a pair of great white wings, and the voice spoke again. "Come, and I will show you." I flew to the ceiling, akward but steady on my angel wings, and down the hallway to a bedroom that I knew was empty. But inside, was a nursery, and in the crib, a sleeping child with blonde hair and blue eyes. At peace with the world.
"Take care of this child," The voice directed me. "And the child will take care of you."
I awoke with a sense of confidence in what I had dreamt. After all of my searching, my purpose had been revealed.
It was you.
I remember this dream mostly when the anger or the "why me's" come over me like a cloud. When the days are too short, the nights are too long and I wonder if there is any trace at all of the girl I used to be, left inside me. And suddenly, it all falls away the second I look down into the crib of the child from my dream. I know that you deserve a mother that is warm and accessible. One who has been to the dark place and back and can show you the way home if you over lose your way. I may not be the person I once was, but now, I'm so much more. I'm your mother. And I'll always be greatful that you picked me.
2006
Today I found sleep, though chaos knows my given name.
you're gone, and the comfort lies in the knowledge that you'll be back.
It was almost too much to take in, when you rediscovered my planet.
I gave you harsh words for ever being gone, but this time, I watched with a non-chalant shrug and a secret smile as you hung your life upon my walls.
"welcome home" I sighed to myself.
Shame on me for letting you in once more,
like I could ignore your melodic knock at my door.
I can't say I can keep the promise I made to never again cry over you, but you're deep in my world for now, if not for forever.
I'll take what I can learn and let my world be changed by you. And maybe this time, when you go, empty won't be all that I know, because I took my fill of you.
But how odd,
to be at peace and at ease, when I know that love (in whatever form) has left it's mark on our door.
For despite what mothers say, or girlfriends relay,
Love does not always equal together, as together, does not equal forever.
But teach me to love, while I'm open to learn and I'll promis not to think so much or miss your touch when you go.
you're gone, and the comfort lies in the knowledge that you'll be back.
It was almost too much to take in, when you rediscovered my planet.
I gave you harsh words for ever being gone, but this time, I watched with a non-chalant shrug and a secret smile as you hung your life upon my walls.
"welcome home" I sighed to myself.
Shame on me for letting you in once more,
like I could ignore your melodic knock at my door.
I can't say I can keep the promise I made to never again cry over you, but you're deep in my world for now, if not for forever.
I'll take what I can learn and let my world be changed by you. And maybe this time, when you go, empty won't be all that I know, because I took my fill of you.
But how odd,
to be at peace and at ease, when I know that love (in whatever form) has left it's mark on our door.
For despite what mothers say, or girlfriends relay,
Love does not always equal together, as together, does not equal forever.
But teach me to love, while I'm open to learn and I'll promis not to think so much or miss your touch when you go.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Something Like the Stars
Reminders of opportunities missed hang heavy around my neck this morning. The days race away from me like a moving target and my day to day goals, sometimes hit, sometimes miss, leave no time to attempt an aim at something beyond. Something like the stars.
A million years ago I had dreams of being a photographer, a singer and musician, a world traveler. There was a time when I lived only for these dreams. I have journals filled these ambitions, the struggles to acheive them, and the dissapointment of them being out of reach.
I am an adult numerically, but a child spiritually. I have more dreams than responsibilities. But because I'm easily overwhelmed by dissapointment, I move forward at a snails pace. I'm stuck in a rut.
My world has been shaken up a bit these last few weeks, and I'm starting to evaluate my accomplishments. I'm a bit dissapointed with myself.
It is imperitive to be an active participant in one's life. And surprising when you think about how few really are. Some let decisions choose them. Riding out deadlines like a game of chicken until choices are made for them. I'm guilty of this. It's very easy to wait for things to happen. To see where the day takes you and pray to the universe it's something you've been hoping for. Easy to deal with dissapointment when it's "beyond your control". But there are others, people with a better grasp of their abilities, that wait for nothing. Ones that make things happen, who don't wait, and don't care if the universe had them on it's agenda today. And those are the ones who gain it's favor, because they don't need to be led by the hand and comforted or guided through each step.
Is it fair that some of us are given the tools early in life and shown how to utilize them, while others of us are not? Hell no. But it's the responsibility of the individual to find time, the energy and the motivation to be trained. Few people have it in them really. I refuse to be one of them.
I was told early in life that I could do or be whatever I wanted, but I was never told how. I was never told how hard it would be. How much effort it would take. I just assumed that if I wanted something bad enough, I would get it. Well I can safely say that for people like me, the stars don't fall in your lap. And if they did, they wouldn't be worth nearly as much.
A million years ago I had dreams of being a photographer, a singer and musician, a world traveler. There was a time when I lived only for these dreams. I have journals filled these ambitions, the struggles to acheive them, and the dissapointment of them being out of reach.
I am an adult numerically, but a child spiritually. I have more dreams than responsibilities. But because I'm easily overwhelmed by dissapointment, I move forward at a snails pace. I'm stuck in a rut.
My world has been shaken up a bit these last few weeks, and I'm starting to evaluate my accomplishments. I'm a bit dissapointed with myself.
It is imperitive to be an active participant in one's life. And surprising when you think about how few really are. Some let decisions choose them. Riding out deadlines like a game of chicken until choices are made for them. I'm guilty of this. It's very easy to wait for things to happen. To see where the day takes you and pray to the universe it's something you've been hoping for. Easy to deal with dissapointment when it's "beyond your control". But there are others, people with a better grasp of their abilities, that wait for nothing. Ones that make things happen, who don't wait, and don't care if the universe had them on it's agenda today. And those are the ones who gain it's favor, because they don't need to be led by the hand and comforted or guided through each step.
Is it fair that some of us are given the tools early in life and shown how to utilize them, while others of us are not? Hell no. But it's the responsibility of the individual to find time, the energy and the motivation to be trained. Few people have it in them really. I refuse to be one of them.
I was told early in life that I could do or be whatever I wanted, but I was never told how. I was never told how hard it would be. How much effort it would take. I just assumed that if I wanted something bad enough, I would get it. Well I can safely say that for people like me, the stars don't fall in your lap. And if they did, they wouldn't be worth nearly as much.
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